DISCLAIMER

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING TO READ MY BLOG

Please note that this is a PERSONAL blog, and views expressed here are of a personal nature and do not reflect that of my family, friends or any organizations I may represent. Reading any part of this blog, constitutes your agreement to exposing yourself to MY personal views, thus surrendering all rights to bitching about it in any other manner later.
Upon reading, you immediately waive all rights for any legal action, binding when entries are proven not to incite political, racial or religious hatred.

Argh! Stupid writer's block.
This blog contains mostly about my feelings, thoughts, and other personal stuff. Most of it are direct or spontaneous thoughts from my mind, so you may or may not understand certain posts that I've written. That is because this blog is used as a tool to express my thoughts and feelings about everything around me, as I am unable to do so to a person because I just don't like doing so and I am not good at expressing myself verbally. I also used some Spanish languages in this blog in case you haven't already noticed, just to practice and improve my Spanish and also to uhh...keep some things a secret. =p But if you managed to decode it, just keep it to yourself okay. =)
Oh and this isn't a "Gossip Girl XOXO" blog thingamajig, so, keep your mouth shut okay. What's in here STRICTLY STAYS in here. Or Ima gauge your eyeballs outta its sockets. =P (Razz)
*Emoticons used in this blog are from deviantart.com. Thank you*

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Work

I love my job. But then again it's only been 2 months. Can't really say much.

But still, it's not bad. The pay isn't much though, but I'll survive. I mean, I'm a fresh grad on my first real job. Can't really expect much. But as long as I enjoy what I'm doing, the pay doesn't really matter as long as it pays the bills. Well, I'm not really paying the bills yet :p but you get what I mean.

In terms of working environment, it's nice. My colleagues are cool and friendly happy people. The kind of people I would click with.

In terms of work, it's not boring like what I expected the working life would be. I've always imagined that if I were to become a working adult, it'll be a very boring life, not getting the job that I want, having to do the job that I don't like doing. Waking up at 6am in the morning, get stuck in traffic, just to do the same old boring thing in the office cubicle every single day. And come back home late, too tired to do anything and then sleep repeat. But instead, it's exactly like how I would dream it to be; waking up later than most people would because work starts at 10am, not much traffic, come to work to be greeted by a bunch of happy people, doing the things I am good at, doing the things that I love, hanging out with friends after work without feeling tired. No pressure at all. I don't feel like I am forced to wake up every morning just to go to work. Instead, I feel happy. That's kinda sad but whatever. Maybe it's because I know that I am on the right path in pursuing my career in the VFX industry.

I'm really looking forward what the next 6 months would be like. Next month we're learning NUKE. Which is really exciting. That should add some points to the resume. =)

Dreams

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.


LEARN from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.


EAT from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

What is this I don't even...

Eeeuuuww look at all those emo rants I've been posting. Ugh.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Focus focus!

I can do this. All it takes is willpower. Focus dammit focus!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Please don't go...
:(

Erase

How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

I thought I was strong but I was wrong
I fell anyway

Monday, December 26, 2011

Wrote this a little while ago on Facebook

Carpe diem...


Some people have a 5 year plan, 10 year plan, get a masters degree, a phd, start a business, find their soulmate, settle down, yadda yadda yadda. Well I have my own little plan. I'm not gonna be searching for my "soulmate". Due to my failed experiences in the so-called love department in this 23 years of my life, I am like what Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis would say, "emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable". I have the ability to turn off those kind of feelings if I want to, to avoid rejection and disappointments. So instead, I will be searching for "myself".

I really don't know what to do with life to be honest and I can't imagine myself stuck here doing the very same thing everybody's doing every single day for the rest of my life, wondering "what if". So I decided to go on this so-called plan of mine, this little adventure. I've had this thing planned since I was in my last year of secondary school, which was like 7 years ago I think. I made a list of things to do in life but I never really got the courage or the support to actually complete it. Well, I did accomplished some minor ones though.

So now, I decided, if not now, when? Life is too short to be doing the same old monotonous routine every single day for the rest of your life. Life is too short to conform to what society expects. Life is too short to be sane. You're only gonna be young once. So I sure as hell don't want to waste it.

Actually, a loooong "heart-to-heart" talk with my friends the other night made realize that I have no clue what to do with myself, and with their suggestions, I decided to really do this since I'm not getting any younger. Yes, age is a BIG factor to me.

For the most part of my life, I've been following my dad travel to some parts of the world. Since I was a toddler, I got to see, do, and experience things that the average people would find to be a luxury. To me it isn't a luxury, it's just a privilege. So growing up traveling has taught me A LOT of things in life. It has made me who I am today. I became an open-minded person because of that, I'm an independent person because of that, I gained a lot of knowledge because of that. And you can basically throw me anywhere in this world and trust me, I can survive and adapt fairly well (okay, maybe not India, Mexico, Thailand and Negeri Sembilan because people there eat very spicy food and I don't :p). Which is why I think by continuing to travel would be a good idea for me to discover my adult-self and to decide what to do in life.

I was bullied at some point in kindergarten, I hated primary school mainly because my dad had VERY high expectations on me to be the top of my class but I never was, I didn't have many friends in secondary school because of my anxiety/shyness/quietness/weirdness/un-girlyness, and my freshman year in college didn't really work out so well, I transferred to 2 colleges, and after 3 colleges and 3 majorings later, I finally graduated, at 23, with a bachelor's degree. *phew*

So I was practically nobody throughout my school years. People have said I'm a late bloomer but I don't know. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But what I do know is that if I don't try, I'll never know. I've got nothing to lose anyway.

I've always imagined myself to be someone different, something out of the norm.

I'm not your ordinary 20-something girl. I'm restless, I can't stay in one place for too long, I have difficulty in making decisions, I have social-anxiety, it takes a VERY VERY long time for me to warm up to strangers, I get this little anxiety attack every so often where I get tongue-tied and got the words all mixed up when I speak and it's really embarrassing so most of the time I stay quiet to avoid that, I suffer from inferiority complex, I'm "one of the lads", I have to have something to do, I can't stay still, I get bored way too easily, I treasure privacy and I like doing things on my own, I'm very independent, I love adventures, I love extreme sports, I love martial arts, I love challenges, I'm an outdoor person, I love trying new things and new/weird food, I'm childish, I'm immature, I'm completely unladylike, basically, I'm everything the average Malay girl is not.

Another friend of my asked me to join him on his backpacking trip throughout Europe and Asia sometime next year but I've yet to figure out how the hell am I gonna get the funds for that because it's waaaaaay too expensive. So as of now I don't really have a concrete plan yet. But most probably I won't be following him. I'm going to be realistic and I'm planning on my own little trip somewhere.

The main objective of this plan is to find myself, to grow up, gain my self-esteem, and to hopefully discover my potential and decide what to do with my life. It's not that I don't want to get married and have a family, have kids. Beneath all these tomboy-ish, machoness :p, rocker, egoistic self of mine...I still am a girl after all, so of course I wanna get married and have the best wedding I could ever imagined, have a wonderful family. But I will not settle down until I've completed this goal and dream of mine. Well, unless along the way I found someone who's willing to go through it all together with me, in which i highly doubt. Haha.

Aaaaand if it doesn't work out at all, I have a backup plan; Find a decent job related to my field, adopt some cats and be that crazy old cat lady who lives alone with her hundred cats next door. Hahaha. Yeah, that's plan B.

And yes this note might be the result of me suffering from the post-college depression. Hahhahaa.

But I'm dead serious and determined to do this.



If you've made it till this last 2 sentences, thank you very much for bearing with this long emotional rubbish note. You're a great friend. =)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Late bloomer

I will do great one day and I know it. Even if I have to do it alone. Because I can just feel it. Even though deep inside I really hope I won't be alone.

2012 will be the best fucking year ever. Everything will be completely new and different. I shall not give in to any temptations. I've got a long way to go it's just not worth it. Motivation, motivated. I've got a rough plan. I wanna make a change, I wanna make a difference. I shall not give a single fuck what anyone says.

Come 2013, the journey starts. I've seen people do it. It's not entire impossible.

Cheers for having such wonderful, high-spirited, positive, supportive, highly-ambitious friends. We are not just dreamers, we'll make it happen.

Terperangkap

Once again,
Tangled up in the strings of lust,
Lost in a sea of euphoria,
And so I fell,
By my own careless imprudence,
And so I tell myself,
Countless of times,
"Stop, deny, refuse."
But this cycle nevers ends,
It's like an infinite loop,
It's bound to happen again,
Trapped in my own labyrinth,
I cannot stand any further,
And I sure as hell cannot wait any longer.

I have no business here,
To be stuck in the same monotonous routine.

I need to go,
I need a map to guide me through it,
I need to find a way to be happy,
I need some time away, to find myself.

Indenial

Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat,
Akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga,
Se-hardcore rockstar tomboy aku,
Akhirnya jatuh juga. Ughh.
My mind says no but my body says yes.
Mungkin jodohku bukan di sini.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Karma really is a bitch

Something feels really familiar.
It's like déjà vu.
History is repeating itself again.
This cycle never ends.
It's like an infinite loop.
Good luck in finding your way out.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Padan Muka

Bodoh bodoh bodoh. Kenapa kau bodoh sangat Laila? Dari dulu sampai sekarang mesti end up macam ni kan. Sampai bila nak jadi bodoh macam ni? Sampai tua? Kau jugak yang cari pasal. Kau jugak yang sakit in the end. Tak pernah terfikir ke benda sama akan jadi balik?

So what the fuck do you wanna do now?

Friday, December 09, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

OH THIS EXPLAINS A HELL LOT


"Research suggests that people with Avoidant personality disorder, in common with sufferers of chronic social anxiety disorder (also called social phobia), excessively monitor their own internal reactions when they are involved in social interaction. The extreme tension created by this monitoring may account for the hesitant speech and taciturnity of many people with Avoidant personality disorder; they are so preoccupied with monitoring themselves and others that producing fluent speech is difficult."


Aaaah so that's why. For all these years I've been wondering why is it so hard to talk to people and why I can't seem to always find the words to say to people when on the contrary, all the words came out perfectly fine every time I was practicing my speech/presentation alone, be it in English or Bahasa Malaysia. Apparently my mind was to busy doing something else. =\

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Where the men at?



I'm too much of a real woman to be dealing with boys. I'm woman and I need a man.
But so far, no one is man enough to get to know me yet.

Friday, March 04, 2011

You Know What Sucks Even More?

Ignore what I said in the previous post.
What sucks the most is that when the guy you like, sees you and treats you as one of the guys.
Try having a big ass durian thrown at your face, that's how it feels like.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

It Starts Again To End the Past, and To Begin A New Cycle of Pain All Over Again for It To End the Same Way

You know what sucks the most?
Having to go through the same thing all over again knowing that it will always end the same way it did and then starting again the same way ending the same way *repeat this until you die*
I guess this cycle never ends, for me at least. But why? It puzzles me a lot...A LOT.
I hate this feeling so much. FML.
I wish I didn't have this ability to feel.
Why feel when you can't express what you're feeling?