Lesson of Life #1

-NEVER EVER scream or argue with your brother like a 5-year-old even in the comforts of your own home.-

~Because you'll never know who's downstairs; it can be your nice next door neighbor bringing some "kuih-muih" she made, your mom's bestfriend coming to catch up on some "kids-go-to-your-room-this-is-adult-talk" stuff, your dad's business partner coming to discuss about the next business trip, your aunt and her good friend coming over just for a visit, etcetera etcetera.~

Go Go Power Rangers!

I found my Power Rangers robot!!!
My brother and my cousin were just unpacking his stuff from the boxes [oh we've moved ] and he found this particular box and opened it to see if there were his stuff innit and he found my old stuff along with my Power Rangers robot! =D
Oh how I loved this thing. I remember asking my dad to buy it at Parkson at The Atria, when I was around 6 or 7 or 8 years old, and I showed it off to my mom and my brother when we got home. Lol. It was rather expensive back then, so getting my dad to buy it right away after I'd asked was kind of a RARE thing, so that's why I loved that toy so much. Lol.

The sword and a few other small weapons were missing. =(



Wow it's been almost thirteen years and I still had them. =) Amazing! Lol.


And I found this too! Ha ha ha. And it's in PINK! Bright pink! And it used to be my favorite wallet. -___-"

What More Do You Want?!

GAAAAAHHH!!!

Nak kena beli MacPro pulak kah. Hadehhh. Melampau la tuh kan.
VFX oh VFX *sigh*

Motivasi

Lailaaaa!!! Stop binging on junks like chips and chocolates and ice-creams and sodas and anything sweet and unhealthy! Can't you see you're getting fatter and fatter? Your big fat flabby wobbly tummy is collecting fat and soon it'll be bigger than a 11-month-pregnant lady! And plus, you do know that Diabetes runs in your family kan? Lagi nak makan mende mende manis. Haaa dah la tak pegi gym. Tak exercise. Tak main sport. Tu baju taekwondo tu dah tgh collect dust kat rumah, sama dengan boxing gloves tu haaa. Coba coba la excersice sket ke. Sket je...sket je pun jadik la. Start going to taekwondo again. Rugi je 1st dan black belt tu yang kau dah ambik bertahon dulu. Can you even remember any of the moves? Heh. Kalau tak stop you'll probably have a 4th or 5th dan already. Mov it mov it! Eksersaisss!

Kebengapan Maksimusan

Sometime ago at the new shisha place in Cyberia:

*with much gusto and enthusiasm*
"Woah duk tepi pantai bestttt! Bangun pagiii...sunset! [with hands waving in the air pretending to throw the imaginary curtains of the imaginary posh studio loft, wiiiide open]"

*a few seconds of silence followed by bunyi ketawa berdekah-dekah dari rakan-rakan, diikuti oleh perasan malu yang menyelubungi diri*
Hahahha. -_____-"

Que Sera Sera

That's my motto now. As of this moment,I'm going to live my life by those words.
"Whatever will be, will be"

If I ever tell you,

...you'd run away, wouldn't you?
...things won't ever be the same, will it?
...you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, would you?
...you'll ignore me and deny my existence, won't you?


Tolong jawab boleh, please?

It doesn't end there

Kan best kalau mabuk. Tak fikir apa pun. Terasa macam happy je, confident je. Terasa juga macam orang normal for at least a few hours. Cakap banyak, easier to socialize and make friends. Tak lah diam macam wallflower bodoh loser taik kambing.

Tak payah nak susah-susah pegi jumpa shrink, tell everything, get evaluated and all that shit, then get your meds. Keluar duit banyak pulak.

Meds. Meds tu pun dadah kan. Drugs kan illegal. Drugs pun haram jugak. Tapi boleh sebab untuk medical reasons whatsoever.
Sama la, alcohol pun haram. But drinking it for the same reason as taking those drugs prescribed by a qualified doctor? I don't know.
I'm already fucked up.
I don't want to get dependent on alcohol just because of that.

Tapi it's a lot easier for you to get dependent on drugs after some time. You'd have to take it every day as prescribed, tu yang buat jadi dependent. Sebab selalu ambik lepastu if tiba-tiba stop macam mana. And kalau tak ambik as prescribed nanti it won't take effect at all pulak. Drugs are more addictive.
Kalau alcohol at least we can control how much and when we want to take it.


Aahh! Apa aku merepek lagi ni. If you think I'm drunk. I'm not. No. I'm just thinking too much. Thinking about that thing I did that I always did and then regret it after. I think too much about it that it's driving me crazy. Tak boleh nak berfikir secara waras sekarang ni.

All I wanted was to let everything out and be calm.

AhaHAHAhahaAHahahahAHhh

Padan dengan muka kau. Tu lah sape suruh. Ngada2. Entah pape.
Dah bengap sangat kan. Pastu mula lah nak buat perangai tu lagi. Aku cukup benci sunggoh. Macam sial pun ada. Selalu lah macam tu. Jadi gila pun boleh. Agaknya lama-lama nanti jadi gila lah. Tunggu masa je ni.

Blogging ni bagus kan. Boleh releasekan segala-gala. The blog won't judge you. It won't ask you a lot of questions.
This is the life of the mentally-ill youth.

Now what? Babi la. Ni yang aku benci. Terasa macam deja-vu pun ada. Memang deja-vu pun tapi still buat jugak walaupun dah pernah mengalami nya. Yes what the heck yang sedang aku merepek ni. Nothing you need to know, nothing you need to understand.

Sumpah I'd do anything to get rid of this. Sumpah sumpah. The thing I hate the most. Tapi macam mana nak get rid of it. Fuck tu aku tak tau. Serabut serabut. Please please please. Anything. Even if costs a fortune. Duit boleh di cari.

Perasaan tu masih ada cuma lama tak fikir pasal tu.

The feeling of being a loser is slowly crawling back into me.

Lailaaa please will you? Tolonglah tolonglah berfikir macam orang normal. Don't be so bengap boleh tak?

Punches on the wall, hard knocks on my own head, random hittings of other objects. Marah kat diri sendiri, scold lah diri sendiri, biar rasa sakit, baru tau. Semua tu perbuatan orang gila macam yours truly.

Perlukan dadah dari doctor untuk solution. Judge me all you want. Call me crazy. Call me a lunatic. Call me a psycho.

I really feel like crying now. I wanna cry out loud.

And I'm not just PMS-ing.


Okay,
Thanks. =)

Levi's 501 Live Unbuttoned Big Bash Party

Got a free ticket thanks to Kerchik. Tapi actually tak payah beli pun takpa. Just register at the booth near the gate and you can get in for free. Bummer to those who actually bought the tix. Har har har. The journey started at approximately 6pm where I got out of Cyberia and waited for quite sometime for the bus to Putrajaya Central. Then I waited for 20 minutes for the ERL to Bandar Tasik Selatan, then from there I took the LRT to Masjid Jamek. Kerchik texted me several times asking me where I was. Bosan katanya. Lol. Mok was on the way too he said. Waited for a cab for what I felt like hours, managed to stop a few cabs but all of 'em, fucking ALL OF THEM didn't want to go to KL Tower. "Traffic jam laah dik." Demmit yuh. So, tewas, I decided to take another LRT to Dang Wangi. Waited for a cab too tapi tade. I was kinda scared because it was already dark and I'm alone and the place was kinda sunyi. But I decided to walk anyway. Then something scary happened. This mamat and his friend on a bike passed by and then they saw me alone and they we're like starring and slowing down and then they started to turn around! "Oh fuck!", I thought. Thank god ada Hard Rock Cafe and hotel at the front there, so I walked very very fast towards that place. Kat situ dah start ramai orang dah so I was relieved. I looked around and those guys weren't there anymore. Hehe. I walked and looked to my left, "Hmm dekat jeh KL Tower tuuh Sket je lagi. Bole bole ni." I walked and I walked and I walked and I walked up the hill. ALAAAASSSS! Sampai juge! 9pm. One hell of a journey. Heh. I was sweating like a pig. Took the shuttle up to the tower. Was about to call Kerchik when I saw him standing in front of the booth. I thought he was with the others. Rupa2 nya sorang dari pukul 6.30pm tadi. Hoh, sorry Kerchik, "pubic" transport, biasa lah. Hihi. Anyways, he gave me the ticket and we both went up. Oh guess what? He told me that the event had JUST started. Haaaah 7pm onwards kata flyers nya eh. But lucky for me though I didnt miss anything. =p Tee hee hee. A few moments later, Mok came. Then towards the end, Adi, Paid, Apis, Leonard, came. At the end of it, Prang, Faris, Joe and their friends came. Oh and I saw Apiq gg.com and Fahimie there too.

The party turned put to be a bit of a disappointment. Agak bosan tapi layan kan aje. Not bad actually the performances and the performers. Just the crowd. I wanted to take photos with Richard J but was too shy to ask and soon after, he left. =p Hahah. Dapat gamba dengan Sleeq pun jadi laah kan. Then the some orang2 DBKL came and ended the party. They just had to crash it huh. After that Prang and his gang decided to hit Heritage. Malam masih muda. Got some time for at least some real party. But unfortunately there were too many of us. Like 12 kot. So we just went to Mojo and they ordered for 2 towers of beer. A few of Prang's friend didn't managed to get in because they were under 21. Soon after, Adi found out that they haven't paid for the beers yet (tapi dah habis di teguk oleh mereka2 dah pun. haha.), and sooo he quickly hinted us to just dash out of the place. But then Apis went missing. He told us he wanted to go eat. So they all cari2 laa dekat Bukhary tu tapi no sign. His phone was out of batt so we coulnd't contact him. Setelah agak lama mencari, jumpa kat kedai mana tah. Damn we were all worried sick that if he'd went back to Mojo to find us, he'd get fucked because of that drink and dash thing.
Anywho, we went for some nasi lemak at Kampung Baru. De best! Haha.
Malam yang agak mendukacitakan. Rasa menyesal tu ada. Baik pegi Hed Kandi (which was our initial plan but then Live Unbuttoned sounded like a cool party to go to, we decided to cancel Hed Kandi, which happened to be quite a disappointing mistake).

Prang: Mesti kau bosan kan Laila?
Me: Agak la.
Prang: Tu aa kan. Menyesal kan? Baik pegi Hed Kandi kan?
Me: Tau takpee. Haha.
Prang: Aku rasa bersalah gile doh kat Nadia.
Me: Tu la dia dgn Nina dah pakai cantik2 dah.
Prang: Tu aah dia doh. Rasa menyesal ada jauh di lubuk hati.
*continue makan nasi lemak yang enak sambil memikirkan betapa bestnya Hed Kandi yang telah pun habis tadi. Kalau lah...if only.*

=(

Mom called and said that dad's been stranded in Bangkok since last week. Due to this. She scolded me, "Tak tengok berita ke?" And I said, "Mana ada tv kat sini" (Padahal kalau ada pun bukan nya tengok jugak =p). "Surat khabar pun tak baca?". "Err...tak". "Haa...tu lah".
Eeee...I've always hated Thailand (No offence to all Thais out there). From all the countries I've been to, Thailand is the worst. Again, sorry but, it's just that, the environment is like sooo so very tak best and tak selesa. I mean, the beaches and the Thai cuisine are great but the city...urrghh. It's like I can't even breathe. Even dusty Cairo is way better.
Anywho, let's just pray and hope dad's gonna be alright. =)
I miss youu Abah!

Another Ganja

These are my rides;

Miserable

It always makes me feel miserable. It always does. Always always. I hate it! Aku benci! Fuck aku benciiii!!!
Why?! Why? Why?!?!?!
Aaaarrrrrrggghhh! Fuck it godamnit!
Knowing that fact just makes me miserable.
Telling it would make me even more miserable.
Please go away. Please?
I just can't take it any longer.
I can't, I can't.
I just feel like spitting it all out.
But I can't.
I had the chance but I didn't go. Emo punya pasal. Macam bodoh kan. Padahal takda pape pun.
Now I'm gonna have another chance. Hopefully.
Just fucking spit it out will you??!

Sick and Twisted Inside

People judge yes they do. I hate it when they do that but it's a fact that I'm gonna have to deal with at some point in my life but I don't seem to be able to as of yet.

I don't ever let myself get close to other people.
Why? Because I'm scared of being judged.

Yes I have friends; close friends and also acquaintances; but I never open up to them, I never showed who I truly am, I was never myself when I'm around anyone else at all but my family, be it my bestest bestest friends of all.
It would at least take a couple of years after knowing them, then I'd slowly reveal myself, show who I really am, that I'm not that quiet lonely loner loser who doesn't know how to have fun.
Why? Because I'm scared of being judged.

I do have fun. I like to have a good laugh. I like hanging out with people. I like getting to know other people and making new friends. I sing in the shower at home sometimes, I danced all the way to the kitchen while humming to my favorite tune, I hoped up and down the stairs, I sing my favorite songs out loud whenever I feel like it, I like to do random silly stuff to my brother to make him laugh sometimes, I do things other people don't think I'd do.

I'm not a hypocrite.
I'm just too damn scared of what people might think of me. I know it's sick, I AM sick, mentally.
Everywhere I go I hear people talking about me, laughing at me, judging me, criticizing the way I talk, dress, walk, and everything, all behind my back, even when in reality they are not. Among my friends even.
My twisted little mind seemed to always make me think that way. (Yes, I know you're judging me too right? Right now at this very moment whilst reading this post. You think I'm crazy don't you?)

I've tried to overcome that fear; drama, theater, books, pretending to not care about what people think, pretending to be confident, whatever. It just doesn't seem to work.

I need to go see a shrink, cognitive behavior therapy won't work I'll tell them, I need drugs, I need SSRIs, Paxil, Seroxat, whatever you call those little pills that psychiatrists gave you to make you feel good. I NEED those.

But I never had the courage to go see a doctor or a psychiatrist.
Why? Because I'm scared that they too will judge me.
No they won't, silly. They are doctors, they are suppose to help you.

I learned psychology almost a couple of years back when I was at Taylor's ADP. I like psycholgy, it's fun, it's interesting, and you learn a lot about human behavior.
There's this thing called Social Anxiety Disorder. That's what I'm suffering from.

When I was younger, I thought it'd go away as I got older and got more mature. Thought it may be just a "phase", another "shyness problem", that will eventually outgrow from myself. "Naaah, I'm just a kid, that's why I'm too shy. Grown-ups don't feel shy."
But it doesn't seem to.

My parents think it's stupid and I should "grow up" and be more confident. Stop being so fucking scared to even call the hotel to reserve a table for dinner, or to order friggin pizzas, or to even answer the mobile phone for them whenever they're driving or busy.

For fuck's sake Laila, what the hell is wrong with you?
Maybe it's dad, he's the one to blame. Or is he not?

I often wonder, how could people be so confident of themselves. I have friends who could just talk to anyone they meet on the street and be friends at the next "Hi" or "Hello" or "Hey there!".

People think I'm boring the second they said Hi. I admit, I AM boring. Because I don't talk much at all.
Why? Because I'm afraid of being judged, being critized about the way I talk or if the things I talked about seemed very stupid in any way.

The solution, stay quiet. That way, I'll make no mistakes, no embarrassments made, no mispronounced words, no false information given, no stupid non-funny jokes made, no stuttering, no boring or stupid topics to be laughed at by people, no nothing, nada.

I think too much about these things. I like to jump to conclusions way too soon. People did this and that to me, and I'd think that they hate me. They said this and that, and I'd conclude that they don't like me. Every single action that they make, every little detail that they say, I'd take note and think of some reason why they did or said them. Of which each and every reason is always a negative one.

I am cool. I am too cool. I am way too cool. Yeah, getting many people to say them as compliments may seem awesome at first, "Woohoo! People think I'm cool. Yeah way to go Laila! You rock!", but getting it a bit way too often? Nah, I don't think so. It made me realize something. Even my mom told me to "loosen up" a bit, be "gedik" or whatever, just be myself, stop acting so cool about anything and everything.

*Note to self: Be yourself. REACT to people, REACT to your surroundings, show emotion, show how you feel about anything and everything. Just fucking loosen up a bit. Just a little bit, is all it takes. Don't be afraid to show how you feel. Most important of all, don't be afraid of being yourself. You are you, you are unique, it's who you are. Be proud of it. Everyone has got their own personality, weird or normal, it's who they are. Don't be afraid of being different from other people. No one's perfect. Everyone's got they own flaws.

Dush!

Mmmmkaaay...I woke up at like 0815 like every other day that I have classes. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, got everything ready, and at around 0845:

Jee said: "Ok bye nak pegi class. Awak takda class kan?"
And I was like: "Huh? Ada lah. Malaysian Studies kan pukul 9?"
And she was like: "Eh tak lah. Pukul 11 lah."
Me: "Eh tak laaah. Pukul 9 laah."
Jee: "Tak lah 11. Kita ada authoring kot skarang." [and she showed me the class schedule]
Me: "Haaaaa? Aaaaaah. Hahahhaha. Ok nak pegi breakfast kat mamak."

-________________________________________________-"

And again

I saw this REALLY gorgeous shiny turquoise bag at Alamanda yesterday. And I'm so gonna buy it by the end of this week. =D

Music Against Racism

We got free tickets courtesy of our friends, the photographers; Faiz Farhan, Adi Nazreen, Faiz Aman, Hafiz, and Khaliq.


Standing from left: Kerchik, Haze, Khaliq, Jee, Apis, Perang, Syasya.
Squatting from left: Adinaz, Tahiaq, Moi.

Oh wait!

Still got another RM34.80 to claim for the bills and CD-R.
Oh and the novel too. Huahuahua.
So I ain't broke after all.

Alam Anda

I'm back bitches!
RM73.65 worth of 4 hours:
Sushi King, Famous Amos, Marley & Me by John Grogan, goddamn CIMB ATM won't work wasted my friggin time waiting in line.
What started as, "Mmkaaay, I'm just gonna treat myself an RM5.90 Archie digest at MPH", turned out to cost me RM32.90 instead. Like hello? Bookstore kot, how could I ever restrain myself from buying novels ? I just couldn't help it.

Okay now I'm left with only RM100 till the end of this month. Heh.
'Nuff said.

I am outrageously mad at myself...

...for being such a fuck up.
That's it. I'm out for some peace of mind.
Or maybe I'm just PMS-ing.
Gaah. Whatever.
I need to get out of this.
Goodfuckingbye.

Woke Up Late

Late late late!
The alarm went off at 8.30am.
Turned it off hoping to wake up for the second alarm at 8.45am.
ZzzZzzzzzZzzz.
Morning!
Correction;
Good afternoon Laila!
Fuck!
12.30pm.
Submission? Screwed.
Me? Goner.

$#%!^&*()^&%

Gaaaaahhhh!!! Damnit you you you stupid slow snail-like internet connection! I'm trying to get my assignment done here you mofo.
Fuck TMnut!
Jeeez...

FREEDOM Elite Private Event Oh La Laaa

Yeah bebeh! I just got these exclusively mailed to my doorstep.

Partay! Partaay!

Of But(s) and Question(s)

The question: Why do I always fall for the wrong person?

He's got everything, great personality, great body (VERY great, mind you. Hot to tha ness...hotnesss! ), he knows how to treat ladies, he's kind of a gentleman, kinda sweet, funny at the right time, serious at the right time, annoying sometimes but in a cute way, he's got a sweet smile, there's something about him that I find to be very sexy , he's single, but...but what? There's always a "but". Not just "a" but, sometimes, "many" buts. The inevitable "but(s)".

Now the "buts":
- He's out of my league (...like way way waaaaaaay way out)
- The oh-so-cliché-phrase-of-all-time; He's too perfect for me. (Pffffttt.....*pukes at the sound of this sentence* Bapak poyo siaaal. Hahahha.)
- He's out of my reach (Why? Simply because of the other "buts" stated above and also because I just don't have the balls to stretch my hands out so that I could reach him. Yes...literally, I don't. Really. Ha-ha?) Like they say, "So close, yet so far" (Another ayat cliché yang poyo tapi agak benar)

Now the ultimate question:
- Who is he exactly? No one knows...but me.


There's always a next time...

There's never enough of Japanese food

...but there's only so much this little tummy of mine can take.

Went for a Japanese buffet at Shogun last night con mi familia. Woh Shogun kat S.Pyramid tu lagi best compared to the one in One Utama, there were even middle eastern food. Oh and dah naik harga laa.
-__-"
Dinner used to be like RM50++ but now it's RM60++. Heh.
I ate LOADS of sashimi! Hahaha. Sedap gila gila babi okayy. =P
But actually kan, the food at Shogun weren't really that sedap. I mean, it's a good deal if you want tonnes of unlimited sushi, sashimi and all. But if you want quality Japanese cuisine, I won't recommend you to go there. It's better to go for the traditional ala carte restaurants.
Anywho, sedap tak sedap, I stuffed my tummy boncet last night with all those sushi and salmon sashimi =p. But, got rid of the guilty feeling by going to the gym this morning. Gahahhaah. =p Salsa, salsa! Vamos a bailar! Hihi.

Home Sweet Home

I'm back in Subang. Today's class was canceled so I decided to balik rumah yesterday. Hihi. My parents and my brother are out, went to Bangi to buy some paints for our house. Hehe. I chose sorta like an orange color for my room. Two colors actually, one bright tone and the other is darker. Let's just hope it'll turn out nice. =)
Hmm...my brother said dad's planning a holiday for us in January, to Syria. A road trip from Abu Dhabi to Syria. Gaahh...I hope this won't be another of those "lawatan sambil belajar" thingy. We totally hate it everytime dad does that. I mean, a holiday's suppose to be a holiday, right? Bro told me he wanted to sorta like boycott by not wanting to go. Hahaha. Let's just go to London ke Paris ke...I thought we all planned to go to London haritu. Anywho...I think Syria would be an awesome place to take photos. I'm sure gonna bring my D60 ^__^. Mesti banyak bangunan2 cun2 and those deserts. Like in Cairo, Egypt. GOD! Those pyramids at the deserts were awhsommmeee. The camel rides and all. Tapi time tu I haven't gotten my slr camera yet =(. SO didn't manage to get awesome pictures =p.
Aaaah whatever, at least we're going on a holiday after so long. I kinda miss being on a long plane ride. Hehe.




Dang. Gila jauh nak roadtrip from UAE kot.

Haunted by the Past

Why do I still miss you after all these years?
Why do I still miss you when you're suppose to be "the jerk"?
Why do I still miss you after you did what you did?
Why do I miss you when I'm suppose to hate you?
Why?
Fuck that.

***
When I thought I’ve forgotten everything
I miss...
March 2006
February 2006

I Am Officialy An Addict

Yes somebody shoot me please. I'm addicted to Guitar Hero III, Gossip Girls, 90210, The Sims 2, Heroes, and Twister OJ. Hmm...I need to complete my Sims 2 EPs and SPs. Oh and I sooooo so NEED to go get meself the PC version of the guitar controller.

I Can't Help It

"You make me want you. Oh you do, you do, you do..."
-I Want You by Third Eye Blind-

My Mean Machine

Just before finals started last semester, I got my dad to bought me a new PC. Well, the story is like this. I just asked him if I could just upgrade my motherboard and processor from the Pentium 4 3.06GHz that I was using, to AMD's Phenom Quadcore. Because nak buat assignment FA teramat-amat lah slow tahap gaban . And he just simply said, "Ok. Hmm...beli computer baru je lah senang. Takpun beli laptop ke senang nak bawak sikit.", or something similar to that. And I was like , "Woah ! Betul ke abah? (Dalam hati lah)". "Haa survey2 lah dulu semua. Nanti abah balik bagitau okay." Hahaha. Yeah so then I immediately did my "research", go to forums and asked my other geeky friends about which hardware should I buy to build my new PC. And so I got these babies yaw:

• AMD Phenom Quadcore 2.20GHz
• 4GB of RAM + 1GB that I "stole" from my old computer = 5GB of RAM
• ATI Radeon HD 4850 512MB GDDR3
• 19" LG LCD Display (I didn't wanna buy it at first because I already have the old CRT monitor, but my mom suggested the LCD. So bodek2 la abah sket. =p)

Demm lajuuuu dan sangat best and dual monitor yaww ! Thank you abah!




*PS: Sorry, my workstation is super uber messy.