There's Never Hope, But There's Always Faith

Three Words That Shouldn't Even Exist In The Vocabulary At All

Hope
Wait
Trust

Lupakan Saja Lah.

Hanya itu saja yang mampu kau buat. So just forget about it and everything's gonna be back to the way it was again. =)

Depressed yet again.

I'm back to being depressed again =(. I haven't been this way in such a long time. Perhaps 3-4 years ago. I don't know why it suddenly happens again. Or maybe I know, just in denial. All the negative and suicidal thoughts that once crossed my mind a few years back, are there again . And I've lost interest in things that I usually enjoy doing. One of the symptoms of depression. I hope this won't last long. It sucks.

Maybe it's because of my decreasing results in school.
Maybe it's because there are so many things inside my mind right now.
Maybe it's because I feel betrayed by certain people, including some of my friends and the ones I thought I could trust.
Maybe it's because I'm disappointed with my parents and certain family members.
Maybe it's because I feel like such a fool for believing that certain someone.

Whatever the reason is, I just hope this goes away before I do something stupid.

I want to play a real piano.
I want to play the drums.
I want to play the electric guitar.
I want to go jamming.
I want to go for bungee jumping.
I want to join my friend sky diving.
I want to go to a party.
I want to go shopping.
I want to watch He's Not That Into You.
I want to watch all the movies I haven't seen at the cinema.
I wanna do all those things and forget about being stressed and depressed.

New Hairdo. Gaaah! =.=

Went to the saloon today for a haircut. Mom suggested to Inai my hair, tapi orang tu cakap kalau inai tak nampak langsung, nanti rugi je. Dia pun suggested untuk terangkan color rambut, since I've colored my hair a few days ago but it didn't really show at all. So okay fine I went with it, telling her jangan terang sangat. Then she bleached my hair and now it's all orange like omg! =.=
How am I suppose to go to class and face everyone with this kind of hair. Aaaaah malu aku. Besok tekad untuk recolor balik, and I want red. But not so red. Ha-ha.

I Want A Swift Jugak!

Aaaaaargh! I just don't see any reason why I can't get a Suzuki Swift. Jangan lah nak kata I'm a spoiled child, no, no way jose. But I just don't see the reason why he can't get me a Swift. Okay you said, my GPA wasn't enough, you want at least a 3.0 GPA. Okay I will try my best because I know I can do that. I know I can do better. But if that's not the reason why I can't get a Swift, then what? I know you won't spoil me with just a car, in fact, you've never spoil me by buying me stuff at all. And sometimes I'm glad you never did, because if you did, God knows what I'd become, but sometimes I also wish that you would. I do get jealous when I see my friends get the things they wanted. And I RARELY at all asked you to buy me what I want, even when I was a little girl. I'd save the allowances that you gave me and then buy stuff, and when you see I do that, you always payed me back. Why? Because of effort, my own effort and initiative to be able to save my own money. And you'd only buy me gifts whenever I've achieved something, like khatam Quran, getting good grades and what not. Yes you want to see effort, I'll give you effort like I always do, I'll give you a 3.0 GPA like I did the previous semesters back. But now, at least please just once I'm asking you to get me something that I really want. Please please pretty pretty please? I know my mom would say, tak payah, MyVI pun ok. She always do that whenever my dad wants to get me and my brother something. We chose this and that, dad says okay, mom says tak payah. Mama! Why? If I was a spoiled child, dah lama dah mintak Mini Cooper, dah lama dah mintak jeans nak Levi's je, pastu merengek-rengek hentak kaki merajuk kalau tak dapat. Yang suka merajuk tu adik ye, I've never merajuk with parents if they don't give me what I want. Okay not to say never lah but JARANG sekali, you'll be surprise to see a kid who rarely sulk at their parents. Anyways, we've never even had even ONE Levi's jeans ok. And everybody seems to at least have 3 or 4 pairs, when we could have just asked you to get us Guess or CK or heck even Ed Hardy. But we never did, did we? So please abah and mama, just this once? A nice white Swift? =(
Just spoil me once, before I graduate and start earning my own money within the next 2 years. Heck, I'm 21 for God's sake, how spoiled can a 21 year-old be? -______-" I'm not a child anymore lah. *big sigh*
2 years je lagi kot and I won't be asking you for money anymore. In fact, I'll give YOU some money, of course what kind of person doesn't give part of their paycheck to their parents. =)
Dah la tak bagi duduk SK, suruh duduk je Cyber, with God knows who as my housemates. Tak suka! You know how I am don't you, you know I won't be able to make friends. The fact of living in the same house with strangers scares me. Yes the first semester in MMU I was okay but that's because we all didn't know anybody at that time, so semua orang pun tegur lah semua orang. But now, everybody has their own cliques and they won't socialize beyond that. Sighs at the youth of today. I just hope someone I know has a vacant room at their place. =(
Or else I'll be hanging out at SK every single day macam parasite. Ha ha. If that's okay with diorang lah. =p

Oooo macam tu ye. So that's how it's gonna be ey? Okay takpa takpa.

Well, guess what, the game has just started . No te preocupes muchacho. If that's how you wanna play it, vamos. ;)

My Plan's Now Postponed. Not Cancelled. Haha. =p

Hmmm, yes, postponed until when I'm not sure. Maybe Sunday night I guess, if I still do feel the same way. Lol.


Anywaaaay, went to 1U with Eli, Faizal, Fify, and Apai to watch Fast & Furious. Boy was it awesom!!! It was off the hook yaw. Lol. Aaaaaa nak blaja rajin-rajin pastu nak kirim beli Ford Mustang GT kat abah kat UAE. =p

My plans have been cancelled. =)

My plans for tonight has been canceled. Well at least for now. Let's just see from now how it goes. If it remains cancelled then, good. =)
If not then, whatever I don't really care. Lol.

=O What If???

WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF???
I just couldn't get that out of my head last night and I couldn't sleep well last night. =S
Thinking about that just makes me think how much of a pathetic loser I am to actually believe it. Oh God.
Wait OMG. If it really is how I think it is; Then he must be THE most stupid, childish, inconsiderate, tak berhati-perut, tak berperasaan person I've ever met in my entire life. Okay not just him, they all are. All 3 of them. Or whoever else involved.
If it really is how I think it is; Then they're just...aarrrghhhh! Stoopid bunch of idiots who's got nothing better to do than ruining someone else's life, MY life to be exact.
If it really is how I think it is; Then I must be so pathetically stupid too for believing it. Come to think of it. I was quite surprised actually in the first place, and skeptical too. Soooo...maybe that skepticism has it's own rationale? Maybe there's a reason why I had doubts about it in the first place.
I might just say I was in denial at first because I didn't actually believe it and at the same time I had some sort of intuition that kinda told me to just believe it.
But then I started to believe it slowly, well sort of. Kinda playing it safe, to avoid further dissapointments whatsoever. But mostly to avoid embarrassments. But now I'm starting to feel skeptical again. GGWqhgrthrhghagagah~! IDK.

Okay right now I..

INTERMISSION...
^&%@!#*&Y$@UI

Okay I just got a phone call from uhh someone. =p
And uhh it just,....mmmkay whatever. Just forget what I wrote above Kthanksbye. =p

Aaaarghhh!

Okay so I'm gonna write this post in Malay so that he wouldn't understand it.
Yes harini satu haribulan empat so I guess semua orang tahu hari apa kan? Kira-kira pukul duabelas pagi tadi satu pesanan ringkas telah masuk ke handphoneku. Setelah membaca pesanan itu, my heart skipped a beat. Rasa suka pun ada, rasa marah pun ada, rasa bengang pun ada, rasa marah gila babi pun ada. Tapi lepas tu teringat yang pada masa tu dah masuk satu haribulan empat, so immediately segala perasaan-perasaan serta butterfly di perut hilang. Timbul pula rasa bengang yang lain. Tapi aku reply pesanan itu dengan coolnya macam tak ada apa-apa. Aku bagitau dia yang tak payah la nak main-main, harini April Fools'. Pastu gelak-gelak macam biasa. Tapi kan...eeeeeee aku benci betul dia tu. Tak habis-habis macam tu. Dari dulu sampai sekarang. Aku benci tapi macam tak benci, macam tak boleh nak benci. So macam mana tu huh? Kenapa dia macam tu? Aku rasa dia tahu. Dan dia suatu masa dulu pun merasakan macam tu jugak tapi kenapa dia buat macam tu?????! Macam sial tau tak. Dia macam sajaaaa je nak buat macam tu. Padahal aku tahu dia tahu and aku pun tahu yang dia pun tahu aku tahu. Ok ayat itu agak memening kan tapi it doesn't matter, it's not for you or anyone to understand. This is just a place for me to let everything out. Macam orang melayu cakap, meluahkan perasaan, macam tu la sort of. Aaaaaaaaaa...bodoh bodoh. I hate you but somehow I just can't hate you.