Sick and Twisted Inside

People judge yes they do. I hate it when they do that but it's a fact that I'm gonna have to deal with at some point in my life but I don't seem to be able to as of yet.

I don't ever let myself get close to other people.
Why? Because I'm scared of being judged.

Yes I have friends; close friends and also acquaintances; but I never open up to them, I never showed who I truly am, I was never myself when I'm around anyone else at all but my family, be it my bestest bestest friends of all.
It would at least take a couple of years after knowing them, then I'd slowly reveal myself, show who I really am, that I'm not that quiet lonely loner loser who doesn't know how to have fun.
Why? Because I'm scared of being judged.

I do have fun. I like to have a good laugh. I like hanging out with people. I like getting to know other people and making new friends. I sing in the shower at home sometimes, I danced all the way to the kitchen while humming to my favorite tune, I hoped up and down the stairs, I sing my favorite songs out loud whenever I feel like it, I like to do random silly stuff to my brother to make him laugh sometimes, I do things other people don't think I'd do.

I'm not a hypocrite.
I'm just too damn scared of what people might think of me. I know it's sick, I AM sick, mentally.
Everywhere I go I hear people talking about me, laughing at me, judging me, criticizing the way I talk, dress, walk, and everything, all behind my back, even when in reality they are not. Among my friends even.
My twisted little mind seemed to always make me think that way. (Yes, I know you're judging me too right? Right now at this very moment whilst reading this post. You think I'm crazy don't you?)

I've tried to overcome that fear; drama, theater, books, pretending to not care about what people think, pretending to be confident, whatever. It just doesn't seem to work.

I need to go see a shrink, cognitive behavior therapy won't work I'll tell them, I need drugs, I need SSRIs, Paxil, Seroxat, whatever you call those little pills that psychiatrists gave you to make you feel good. I NEED those.

But I never had the courage to go see a doctor or a psychiatrist.
Why? Because I'm scared that they too will judge me.
No they won't, silly. They are doctors, they are suppose to help you.

I learned psychology almost a couple of years back when I was at Taylor's ADP. I like psycholgy, it's fun, it's interesting, and you learn a lot about human behavior.
There's this thing called Social Anxiety Disorder. That's what I'm suffering from.

When I was younger, I thought it'd go away as I got older and got more mature. Thought it may be just a "phase", another "shyness problem", that will eventually outgrow from myself. "Naaah, I'm just a kid, that's why I'm too shy. Grown-ups don't feel shy."
But it doesn't seem to.

My parents think it's stupid and I should "grow up" and be more confident. Stop being so fucking scared to even call the hotel to reserve a table for dinner, or to order friggin pizzas, or to even answer the mobile phone for them whenever they're driving or busy.

For fuck's sake Laila, what the hell is wrong with you?
Maybe it's dad, he's the one to blame. Or is he not?

I often wonder, how could people be so confident of themselves. I have friends who could just talk to anyone they meet on the street and be friends at the next "Hi" or "Hello" or "Hey there!".

People think I'm boring the second they said Hi. I admit, I AM boring. Because I don't talk much at all.
Why? Because I'm afraid of being judged, being critized about the way I talk or if the things I talked about seemed very stupid in any way.

The solution, stay quiet. That way, I'll make no mistakes, no embarrassments made, no mispronounced words, no false information given, no stupid non-funny jokes made, no stuttering, no boring or stupid topics to be laughed at by people, no nothing, nada.

I think too much about these things. I like to jump to conclusions way too soon. People did this and that to me, and I'd think that they hate me. They said this and that, and I'd conclude that they don't like me. Every single action that they make, every little detail that they say, I'd take note and think of some reason why they did or said them. Of which each and every reason is always a negative one.

I am cool. I am too cool. I am way too cool. Yeah, getting many people to say them as compliments may seem awesome at first, "Woohoo! People think I'm cool. Yeah way to go Laila! You rock!", but getting it a bit way too often? Nah, I don't think so. It made me realize something. Even my mom told me to "loosen up" a bit, be "gedik" or whatever, just be myself, stop acting so cool about anything and everything.

*Note to self: Be yourself. REACT to people, REACT to your surroundings, show emotion, show how you feel about anything and everything. Just fucking loosen up a bit. Just a little bit, is all it takes. Don't be afraid to show how you feel. Most important of all, don't be afraid of being yourself. You are you, you are unique, it's who you are. Be proud of it. Everyone has got their own personality, weird or normal, it's who they are. Don't be afraid of being different from other people. No one's perfect. Everyone's got they own flaws.